The Leadership Identity That’s Holding You Back
Have you ever asked yourself, “How do I stop working so hard, without losing results?”
Or how to maintain high performance without performing or experiencing high achiever burnout?
If you’ve ever thought,
“I feel like I’m playing a role as a leader instead of actually leading,”
this article is for you.
In my last blog, we explored dropping the performance of high-performance.
What this means:
The act of trying to play a role as a leader rather than embracing your strengths, trusting yourself, and actually being that leader. In this article, we answer the question, “I recognized that I am performing or putting on a persona in my leadership, and it’s costing me energy, now what do I do?”
Below, we explore the six most common ways leaders step out of their true power and how to shift from external expectation toward internal alignment.
The Leadership Identity That Causes Burnout
Years ago, I used to pride myself on being a hard worker.
Growing up in the Midwest, my parents were true hard workers who overcame a lot and earned everything they had. We were raised to want for less and give more than we had. Hard work wasn’t just something we were proud of; it was necessary to build a more stable life. It became a hallmark of who we were. I learned to wear hard work like a badge of honor.
If you asked me what my top qualities were, I’d answer proudly and without hesitation: hard worker.
Some time ago, early in my business journey, I recognized that the very thing I was proud of was starting to cost me.
Working way too many late nights, overextending myself, delivering far more than was needed, it was costing me more than it was giving me in the long run. Not just financially, but energetically and creatively.
I was overworked and underpaid.
And worse, I was teaching people to expect that from me.
Many leaders reach this awareness at some point, in their own way, with their own pattern that’s helped them get to where they are, but now it’s taking a toll. The pattern has a cost. The realization that the behaviors that got you here are not going to get you there. At least not without burning yourself out.
My pattern was hard work. Maybe yours is staying small, or over-committing to overcompensate, or something else.
One of the greatest risks we face is losing ourselves while trying to push through. The leaders who will experience greater joy and sustainable success in this next era are those who can recognize the patterns that no longer serve them, choose to change, and lead in alignment with who they truly are, even under pressure.
Not by performing, posturing, or pretending, but by leading from truth. This requires taking off the mask and leading by example, especially when pressure is high.
Let’s explore the 6 most common ways of “performing” that show up.
1. Self-Abandonment: A Hidden Cause of Leader Burnout
Have you ever changed yourself to fit in? Most of us have done this in some way at some point.
Some of that is a normal part of the human experience, adapting to build relationships, to find common ground.
But there’s a line when this desire to build connection crosses into abandoning yourself for the sake of perceived safety.
For some leaders, self-abandonment is something you might be able to trace back. Consider, can you remember a time earlier in life when you felt free to be who you are, spoke your mind, trusted yourself more, or moved through the world with more freedom and less self-editing? Did you notice that somewhere along the way, that changed? Likely, something along the way made you feel that you weren’t safe to be who you are.
For others, this pattern started so early that it doesn’t feel like a pattern at all. It feels like who you are. You don’t remember a time when you weren’t adjusting, accommodating, or reading the room before speaking. In many cases, this began as a survival strategy in early childhood, a way to stay safe, accepted, or connected. However, the pattern began, if you are aware of it now, it often shows up like this:
- Changing who you are to fit in
- Holding yourself back and self-editing
- Silencing your opinions
- Second-guessing your instincts
In the leadership context it can look like this:
- Struggling to make clear, confident decisions
- Making yourself smaller instead of owning your leadership position
- Over-explaining your decisions to avoid disappointment
- Avoiding honest conversations with clients, colleagues and team
If you’ve been abandoning yourself, here are some ways to reclaim who you truly are, and lead from that place.
Consider: who were you before the world told you who to be?
Exercise: Reflect on a memory, a time you felt free, authentic, joyful. What memory comes to mind? Observe yourself: How would you describe that person? How did you feel? What were you doing? What words would you use to describe how you were being?
Now, what could be possible if you embodied that energy, that word, and stepped into your next conversation or meeting with that as your authenticity anchor? This act helps you reclaim the embodiment of your true (unabandoned) self.
Here’s your authenticity anchor invitation: What’s one choice you can make this week that aligns with your truth instead of other people’s expectations?
2. Pretending You’re Fine: High Achiever Exhaustion
Are you the person who holds it all together for everyone? Do you equate asking for help with weakness?
Your ability to hold so much for so many is a superpower. But even superheroes have a wing-person.
If you were the responsible one growing up, the steady one, the one others leaned on, it can feel incredibly hard to admit when you’re overwhelmed or to ask for support. You learned early that being “fine” kept things moving.
In leadership, growth isn’t about carrying everything yourself. It’s about building a team and a culture where responsibility, ownership, and strength are shared.
When you hold it all and push through, you’re not just exhausting yourself; you’re unintentionally blocking others from stepping into their capabilities. If you’re always the one fixing, deciding, and absorbing the pressure, there’s no space left for others to rise.
Leadership isn’t about being the strongest person in the room. It’s about creating a room where strength is distributed.
It shows up as:
- Saying “I’m fine” when you’re overwhelmed
- Not asking for help because you don’t want to burden anyone
- Being the emotional container for the team
- Handling issues yourself instead of delegating or inviting support
- Absorbing pressure so others don’t have to
Holding it all together looks like strength. But leadership isn’t about being unbreakable. If this speaks to you, here’s your invitation.
Your authenticity anchor invitation: Who is one person you could let support you this week, even in a small way?
3. The Hard-Worker Identity: Core of High Achiever Burnout
Are you the person who holds it all together for everyone? Do you only feel successful and worthy if you are accomplishing something?
When achievement becomes the way you measure your worth, the inner message often becomes: “I need to prove I’m worthy by doing more.” This one is praised the most, and often costs the most.
If you’re a high achiever, you don’t just do hard things.
You take pride in being capable, strong, and accomplished.
You know how to work hard, how to push through, how to figure it out. Bam!
Where this can become an act of performance is when, somewhere along the way, achievement stops being something you do and it becomes who you are.
High achievers often carry an undercurrent belief: “If I slow down, ease up, or stop striving… I lose my value.”
So you keep going, raising the bar higher.
And you tell yourself you’ll rest later, once you’ve earned it.
Anytime you try to rest you feel completely guilty or like you are “wasting time.”
Sound familiar? I know this one oh so well, because this was (and at times still is) 100% me.
I struggled for years to heal my high achiever.
I even got angry with a coach once who tried to help me embrace surrender and rest because I felt they were “trying to beat the achiever out of me.”
But what if you could hold onto your high-achieving abilities without all the costs on the other side – without burning out? Without waiting to enjoy life until tomorrow… next year… until the next goal?
This one is so important that the High Achiever is getting its own article next week. For now, if you’re recognizing this partner, here’s your invitation. Consider: who do you get to become, if you didn’t have to work so hard?
Your Authenticity Anchor Invitation: Who are you beyond your accomplishments, and what becomes possible when your worth no longer depends on your output?
4. The “Nice” Leader: Burnout from Blurred Boundaries
Do you find yourself sitting in meetings far longer than planned, listening as people talk in circles, well past the meeting end time?
Inside, you’re thinking, “If we’d just do this…” Meanwhile, your calendar is exploding, your to-do list is growing, and somehow you’re still the one making time for everyone, except yourself.
I was raised in the Midwest, where we have a phrase: Midwest nice.
I’m proud of that part of me – where we wave and say hello to each other. However, the avoidance of hard conversations is real.
Where it gets tricky in leadership is when “nice” turns into this idea that you’ll disappoint others if you have boundaries, that you’ll upset people, or be seen as difficult if you communicate your needs clearly or implement rules.
Somewhere along the way, many leaders absorb the idea that boundaries make you cold… or a b*tch. So instead of leading confidently, you over-accommodate. You listen longer than you need to. You say yes when your body is screaming no.
Years ago, someone pointed out the difference between nice and kind, and it stuck with me.
Nice avoids discomfort.
Kind tells the truth, even when it’s uncomfortable.
And that’s kind of a requirement of effective leadership….
Kind leadership respects people and time – theirs and yours.
Nice leadership has sloppy boundaries and sacrifices itself for others.
What it looks like:
You’re generous. Thoughtful. Reliable. And… exhausted.
It shows up as:
- Saying yes when you mean no
- Letting meetings run long because you don’t want to cut anyone off
- Being available to everyone except yourself
- Avoiding disappointment at all costs, until resentment creeps in
Kindness without boundaries isn’t kindness: it’s self-erasure.
Boundaries aren’t walls that block people; they are guidelines that help provide guardrails so people can be more empowered, knowing what the rules are.
Your authenticity anchor invitation: Consider, where do you feel resentment or exhaustion right now, and what boundary might you explore to bring you back into joy and alignment in that dynamic/relationship?
5. Making Yourself Smaller: Leadership Burnout Pattern
Growing up, were you ever told you were “too loud,” your energy “too big?” Were you shamed for being so full of life?
Did you ever have the experience of people saying, “You’re too shy.” Asking “Why are you so quiet?” Whether you were made to believe you were “too big” or “too small,” both of these false beliefs can make you unconsciously shrink and make yourself smaller.
Have you ever been in a room where you technically belong, you work there, you’re a member of that association, but you feel yourself holding back? You might even feel like an “imposter.” Questioning if you’re good enough – experienced enough – confident enough.
You know what you want to say, who you want to approach, but something inside you hesitates…
So you soften what you say.
Or you wait… and wait… and wait for someone to invite you in or for the opening that doesn’t quite appear…
For many leaders, this pattern formed early. At some point, being fully seen didn’t feel safe. Speaking up led to criticism, conflict, or consequences. So shrinking became a way to protect yourself.
In leadership, this shows up when leaders struggle with visibility.
What it looks like:
You’re thoughtful. Self-aware.
But deep down, you know you’re self-editing.
Second-guessing everything.
It shows up as:
- Downplaying your ideas in meetings
- Softening your opinions to avoid pushback
- Staying smaller than your actual authority
- Letting stronger or louder voices take the lead
Shrinking might feel like safety. But leadership requires presence. When you stay small to avoid risk, you also limit your impact.
If you notice yourself making yourself smaller,
Here’s your Authenticity anchor invitation: What’s one way this week where you could take up a little more space: share a thought, be more visible, or let yourself be seen?
6. Busyness as Avoidance: The Burnout Cycle
Are you the person who everyone turns to, and you always say YES! To every committee, task, job?
Are you busy… all the time? Your calendar is full. Your days are packed.
There’s always something to respond to, fix, or move forward.
On the surface, it looks like productivity. You’re reliable. Responsive. On it.
But… are you starting to feel drained? Do you ever find yourself wishing you had time for things you love… or space to do .. nothing?
Do you notice yourself judging others who take space and time for themselves, “must be nice.” These are signs that you might be keeping yourself overly committed, as an act of self-protection.
Sometimes this happens because slowing down would require listening. And listening might surface feelings, doubts, or truths you’ve been avoiding.
The overly committed is similar to the hardworking high achiever, but it’s different in that the core motivation for doing it isn’t solely to prove your worth, but it’s as an act of avoidance. Keeping yourself busy with activity so that your mind can’t have the space to think about other things that might actually distract your attention.
It’s a deflection strategy.
So you keep moving.
In leadership, this pattern often disguises itself as commitment.
What it looks like: You’re productive. Capable.
Always in motion.
And… rarely present.
It shows up as:
- A calendar with no white space
- Filling every gap with tasks or meetings
- Feeling uneasy when things slow down
- Measuring your value by how busy you are
Busyness looks like dedication. But constant motion can be a way to avoid yourself.
If you’re noticing this pattern and you wish to become a more present leader or create more space for yourself,
Here’s your authenticity anchor invitation: What’s one thing you could release, renegotiate, or say no to this week, not to do less, but to create space to connect with your own thoughts and feelings?
Healing High Achiever Burnout: Loving Your Inner Self
These patterns aren’t personal failures. In fact, they likely served you well; they helped you get to where you are. Now, through a new perspective, you can see them with greater wisdom, both how they supported you and where they’re holding you back. And once you can see them, you get to choose something different. Not by “fixing yourself,” but by shifting the pattern that once kept you safe, and choosing one that matches who you truly are, and who you see yourself becoming as a leader.
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